Without the company of others, i am some life-less body. Always on the verge of tears, but instead i just ache on behalf of tears unable to fall. I’m numb as fuck. Recently I very rarely, take legitimate pictures, pick up my guitar, paint or draw, write, i dont even sleep much. Because each time i try one of those, i end up getting frustrated/upset. I’m not talented, im not worthy. I’m lacking motivation, the shit that used to make my spirit unfold, now unfolds laughing demons. And the feeling i get in the pit of my stomach is much rather indescribable. I’ve been exposed to loneliness/being alone/choosing to hide myself away ever since the age of five years old. the battles in my head are getting bloodier, the screams are getting louder. Suicidal thoughts, night terrors, in rage. Yesterday i walked down the train tracks in the rain, chain smoking cigarettes. I laughed and said out loud to myself “what the fuck am i here for anyway, I’m some kind of glitch, I’m a fuck up, i don’t matter” and i sat down on the tracks and began to put my burning cigarette out on my forearm. I was calmed, relieved that i could feel something, to not be numb. I started walking on the tracks and then i heard the warning bell in the distance for trains approaching, i was pretty far out at this point. I remember thinking i could and should look behind me to make sure no trains were coming from that way, but i didn’t, i kept walking, i kind of almost wished it would. I finally heard the clanking of the train along the tracks behind me i could tell it was creeping up but i was lacking fear. The train was honking behind me and i eventually stumbled off the tracks. The sick thing is i had feeling of regret about not staying put. I easily jumped right back into my mask when i got home, I didn’t give the slightest hint of what state of mind i was in. I mentioned to my mom that i think i should try a different medication and she asked why and i said “i dont know, just doesnt seem to be working i guess”
